Dog Property Rules

September 24th, 2009

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Dog Property Rules

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If its in my mouth, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.

6. If its mine, it must never appear to be yours anyway.

7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.

8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.

9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.

10. If its broken, it’s yours.

 

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Dad will never say

September 24th, 2009

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Dad will never say

Top Ten Things You’ll Never Hear a Dad Say

10. Well, how ’bout that?… I’m lost! Looks like we’ll have to stop and ask for directions.

9. You know Pumpkin, now that you’re thirteen, you’ll be ready for unchaperoned car dates. Won’t that be fun?

8. I noticed that all your friends have a certain “up yours” attitude … I like that.

7. Here’s a credit card and the keys to my new car — GO CRAZY.

6. What do you mean you wanna play football? Figure skating not good enough for you, son?

5. Your Mother and I are going away for the weekend … you might want to consider throwing a party.

4. Well, I don’t know what’s wrong with your car. Probably one of those doo-hickey thingies — you know — that makes it run or something. Just have it towed to a mechanic and pay whatever he asks.

3. No son of mine is going to live under this roof without an earring — now quit your belly-aching, and let’s go to the mall.

2. Whaddya wanna go and get a job for? I make plenty of money for you to spend.

1. Father’s Day? aahh — don’t worry about that — it’s no big deal.

 

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Thanksgiving Knock Knock Jokes

September 24th, 2009

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Thanksgiving Knock Knock Jokes

Knock Knock. Who’s there? Norma Lee. Norma Lee who? Norma Lee I don’t eat this much! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Gladys. Gladys who? Gladys Thanksgiving! Aren’t you? Knock Knock. Who’s there? Olive. Olive who? Olive the stuffing too! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Aida. Aida who? Aida lot more than I should have! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Dewey. Dewey who? Dewey have to wait long to eat? Knock Knock. Who’s there? Diana. Diana who? Diana thirst too! Knock Knock. Who’s there? General Lee. General Lee who? General Lee I don’t either! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Sid. Sid who? Sid down. It’s time to eat! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Luke. Luke who? Luke at all the food! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Anita. Anita who? Anita nother napkin. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Aaron. Aaron who? Arron you having more cranberry sauce? Knock Knock. Who’s there? Don. Don who? Don eat all the stuffing, I want some more! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Arthur. Arthur who? Arthur any more sweet potatoes? Knock Knock. Who’s there? Wilma. Wilma who? Wil Ma make lots of food again this Thanksgiving? Knock Knock. Who’s there? Harry. Harry who? Harry up! I’m starved! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Abbott. Abbott who? Abbott time to eat isn’t it? Knock Knock. Who’s there? Odette. Odette who? Odette’s a big turkey! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Phillip. Phillip who? Phillip a big plate and dig in! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Phyllis. Phyllis who? Phyllis plate up too! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Emma. Emma who? Emma real pig when it comes to eating Turkey! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Esther. Esther who? Esther any more gravy? Knock Knock. Who’s there? Alma. Alma who? Alma dinner’s gone. May I have dessert? Knock Knock. Who’s there? Wanda. Wanda who? Wanda piece of pumpkin pie? Knock Knock. Who’s there? Alva. Alva who? Alva nother piece please! Knock Knock. Who’s there? Xavier. Xavier who? Xavier fork for dessert. Knock Knock. Who’s there? Tamara. Tamara who? Tamara we’ll have turkey leftovers!

 

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The Iraq War

September 24th, 2009

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The Iraq War

So, Donald Rumsfeld is briefing George Bush in the Oval Office. “Oh and finally, sir, three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq today.” Bush goes pale, his jaw hanging open in stunned disbelief. He buries his face in his hands, muttering “My God…My God”. “Mr. President,” says Cheney, “we lose soldiers all the time, and it’s terrible. But I’ve never seen you so upset. What’s the matter?” Bush looks up and says…”How many is a Brazilian?”

 

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JOKES TO OFFEND EVERYONE

March 18th, 2008

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What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball? 
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover ?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it’s worth it. 
 
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it’s no big deal unless you’re not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde? 
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What’s the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
10 years and 45 lbs

What’s the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What’s the fastest way to a man’s heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can’t stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?

Because those men already have boyfriends.

What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don’t bunnies make noise when they have sex? 
Because they have cotton balls.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
‘Are you sure it’s mine?’

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do drivers’ education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation? 
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?
They named him ‘Sum Ting Wong’

What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?

A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with… ‘a recipe’.

How do you get a sweet 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins ‘Once upon a time ..’ -
A southern fairytale begins ‘Y’all ain’t gonna believe this s**t….

 

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