Two blondes are waiting at a bus stop.When a bus pulls up and opens the door, one of the blondes leans inside and asks the bus driver:”Will this bus take me to 5th Avenue?”

The bus driver shakes his head and says,”No, I’m sorry.”

At this the other blonde leans inside, smiles, and twitters: ”Will it take ME?”

Bretheren,

Bono, the lead singer of the band, U2, is famous throughout the
entertainment industry for being more than just a little
self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, Scotland, he asked the audience for
total quiet.

Then, in the silence, he started to slowly clap his hands, once every
few seconds.

Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone,

“Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

A voice with a broad Scottish accent from the front of the crowd
pierced the quiet…….

“Well, foockin stop doin it then, ya evil basturd!”

Hallelujah!!!!!!!!

Two ducks go on their honeymoon and stay in a hotel. As they are about to make love, the male duck says, ”Oh, we haven’t got any condoms. I’ll ring down to room service.” He calls and asks for some condoms.The woman says, ”OK sir, would you like to put them on your bill?”

”No,” he says, ”I’ll suffocate!”

A cab driver reaches the Pearly Gates and announces his presence to St. Peter, who looks him up in his Big Book. Upon reading the entry for the cabbie, St. Peter invites him to pick up a silk robe and a golden staff and to proceed into Heaven.

A preacher is next in line behind the cabby and has been watching these proceedings with interest. He announces himself to St. Peter. Upon scanning the preacher’s entry in the Big Book, St. Peter furrows his brow and says, “Okay, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”

The preacher is astonished and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie.”

St. Peter responded matter-of-factly: “This is heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. “This recession’s really putting a big dent in my income,” he told them. “From now on, I’ll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans.”

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

“Look,” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

“A freakin’ quarter?” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, dude. We quit!” And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.